Friday, April 18, 2008

Blast from the past

Everyone has that one person. You know what I'm talking about--the one person that once upon a time you were madly in love with. That one person who you thought you were meant to be with. That one person who, even after he/she broke your heart became the standard you compared every other relationship to. That one person.

Recently mine appeared in my life after an almost five year absence.

Our last conversation--on the phone when he was still in town--was tear filled and emotional. Something along the lines of him telling me he loved me and could imagine a life and a home and even children and pets with me but could never, ever marry me, and me wondering how in the world that made any sense at all. I remember he wanted to see me after that conversation and I just couldn't do it. What do you say to the man that just tore out your heart? I thought it best for me to let him drive off so that I could get on with the business of getting over him. I still think that was the right decision....

It took awhile for me to move on. I dated others, and compared them all to him. If I could say that if he walked back into my life I'd leave my current boyfriend, then I knew that current boyfriend wasn't the one for me. Is that horrible? Maybe it was, but there it is, the raw truth.

So, now he is back in town-for now at least. Married with a child, although his wife is not really in the picture. I knew I'd run into him eventually--he is, after all, friends with my brother in law and currently working on their house. I wondered what it would be like to see him. If there would be some dramatic emotional meeting, where he apologized to me for being a jerk, told me he made the wrong choice all those years ago.....where I could tell him that hindsight has given me 20/20 vision and I could see clearly now that we were not, after all, meant to be together. That me being the me I am, and he being who he is, would never have really worked out, even though I still believe I could have been good for him--brought some stability to his world that is still so out there and confused. But it never would have been the partnership that marriage is meant to be, and ultimately, it never would have lasted.

Well, I saw him again for the first time a couple of weeks ago. And twice since then. I'll admit that seeing him for the first time in nearly five years felt like a punch in the stomach, and, quite literally, took my breath away. But there was no tearful reunion. In fact, there was barely an acknowledgement of my existence. He studiously avoided making eye contact and didn't even really greet me. Rather anti-climactic actually. The two other times since then have been similar to that first meeting. I once sat down next to him, to at least engage him in some sort of conversation, and it felt.....awkward. Odd. We chit chatted about trivial things while I sat there and wondered how our conversations got reduced to the weather and little girl clothes when, even from the beginning of our relationship, we never talked about minor things....And I looked across the room at my husband and thanked God then and there for not letting me marry this man who I barely recognized as the guy I once thought I loved. For instead bringing me a man who loves me for me and who loved me enough to ask that big question that has entwined our lives for eternity. I don't need closure. I found it myself, a long time ago.

3 comments:

nancypearlwannabe said...

This was such a great post. I often wonder what would happen if I ever ran into my college boyfriend. I hope that if I ever do, I am able to be as clear-headed about it as you.

Mom S said...

Even after 35 years of a very happy marriage- I still wonder sometimes about that "other guy." I moved far away from my hometown and I never ran into anyone from my childhood or college days. But I do wonder...
Great post! It makes me wonder...

Kelli said...

"I don't need closure. I found it myself, a long time ago."

Great, great post Lisa.