Sunday, February 14, 2010

Monday, February 08, 2010

Mommy lesson #1

Sometimes I write posts and I think, "I can't publish this, I sound like I'm complaining...." but the thing is, this is where I am, in this moment in time. These are my thoughts and feelings, the things I'm wondering and figuring out.....this is my snapshot in time as a mother, wife, daughter, sister, teacher and student. So here it is, without apology or complaint.
I'm sick.
I'm not one to admit that, and especially not to the large Internet world, but there it is.

Now time for the mommy lesson:
It's not about me's about Aliza.

Oh, I know you know this in theory. You know when you get pregnant that it's not about you anymore. From the second you conceive, your body is not your own and you begin to figure it out.
In theory.
Then the baby arrives and you really start to figure it out. If that little bundle of joy wants to eat at 2 a.m. then, gosh darn it, you are going to drag yourself out of bed and feed her. It doesn't matter how bone tired you are, you do it. Because you are a mom.

And if that baby girl decides, just as you are about to start cooking dinner, that she needs you RIGHT NOW, then you stop what you are doing and be with her. Because you are a mom.

Today, I had a Day. You know what I mean.....the kind of day that leaves you drained, emotionally and physically. The kind of day where you are driving home and all you want are cozy clothes, a rather large glass of wine and a pint of the good ole' boys: Ben and Jerry. Today, I was driving home on the verge of tears because I knew that what awaited me was a sick little girl I spent the day worrying about who only wanted me to hold her close. And a project for class that I am supposed to talk to my principal with on Wednesday. And old papers to correct, two loads of laundry to put away, a dishwasher to empty, a trip to the grocery store to get the things Aliza needs according to the doctor and.....well, you get the picture.
But I am a mom. So despite my desire to curl into a little ball, I came home, took care of my little girl, went to get the stuff she needed to feel better, emptied that dishwasher, worked a bit on my project and spent the night hoping, wishing, praying that my little girl sleeps through the night for the first time in several nights.
And I did it all.
Because this is the reality of being a mom.
And I am a mom.

Monday, February 01, 2010

Do I have to get coffee too?

It's official....I'm an intern.
Administrative intern that is. In addition to, you know, my regular teaching job. Oh yeah, and writing a thesis. And let's not talk about my practicum because I submitted the proposal so long ago and have thought about it so little that I barely remember what my topic is. (A fact that became abundantly clear when I was speaking with a higher up from Central Office and, when asked what my project was for my practicum, I had to stumble around and stall a bit to come up with what I was actually doing. He seemed more flabbergasted by the fact that I was doing all three major projects at once and managed to ignore my bumbling.)

I had my first internship meeting where we got a rather large packet filled with paperwork detailing all of the things we need to accomplish over the coming year. My university apparently prides itself on having the internship run through the summer so that people can gather hours when they aren't teaching full time. I guess I won't be going too far this summer. Anyways, lucky for me I'm so over committed (I knew that would come in handy at some point) I've already started working toward my 240 hours of experience I need. I've got three.
Hey, it's a start.

Here's the thing (and yes, I know I'm crazy).....I don't want my internship to be filled with boring, meaningless work. Some of what I'm already doing--chairing committees, serving on two district wide committees, presenting professional development--will count, and for that, I'll admit, I'm grateful. I might just shoot myself if I had to start from ground zero and fill my it is, it is doubtful I'll make it through without a nervous breakdown. As for the rest, I'm hoping that my time will be well spent and meaningful. I don't want to be relegated to making schedules (not that that isn't a worthwhile pursuit, obviously, it is and it needs to be done, but, well, I've done that before) or fetching coffee (I do think that perhaps I should have offered to get my principal a coffee when we were attending a workshop together, especially after he pointed out the fact that I *hadn't* gotten him one. Ooops.) I want to LEARN something. I want to do something meaningful. I want this experience to be one that I'll walk away from and feel proud of. So that when I go on that job interview for that principal position, I can pull from this experience and say, I DID that, I LEARNED that.

I guess it's just a matter of coming up with something brilliant and worthwhile to do.

I think I'd have an easier time with that if my brain weren't so overloaded.