One of the things I love best about this blog, is that the writer is not afraid to be Honest. She writes from her heart, which, I think, takes courage and strength.

I, on the other hand, have always been afraid to be too open, too honest, on my blog. Times, they are a'changing. At least for this post.

Here's the thing: when I first created this blog, I had hoped that it would be the place where I would share NEWS. I mean Big News.
Of the baby variety.
I thought, or hoped, or dreamed, that this would be where I chronicaled my pregnancy, and the birth and growth of my children. I started the blog in advance of that actual happy event in the hopes that I would be a regular blogger so once said happy even occured, writing would be a part of daily activity.

As with many of life's events, things aren't going exactly as planned.

My husband and I have been "trying" (I'm starting to hate that word....who tries to have a baby? You don't try, you just have one!) for a year now. This August marks a year actually. Much like when I was 25, unmarried and unattached and people would ask, when are you getting married?, I am beginning to cringe and blink away tears when I hear the question, "so, when are you going to have a baby?"

I foolishly believed it would be easy. Ah, my naivete! My innocence! I thought, "How hard could this be?" After all, I have so many examples, on both sides of the family, of cousins who have managed to get pregnant without much difficulty at all.

Apparently, it's not as easy as one would think. And the emotional roller coaster of it all is...well, an emotional roller coaster.

I know what people say....what people think. I know that people think I am too busy. Maybe even too stressed. I know that people think I want it too badly, I'm trying too hard. Thinking about it too much.

I struggled with that. Thought about stopping everything. Even imagined what life would be like if all I did was teach. And I couldn't. I couldn't picture it or imagine it. See, I don't know how to not be me. I know that it is a personality flaw of mine that I say yes to everything and everyone. That I bend over backwards to make everyone around me happy, often sacrificing what I want, what I need, to do so. I know I need to work on finding balance in my life. I know these things. But I also know that I have always been busy, always been involved. Even the merest whisper of a suggestion that perhaps I stop, even the one off handed remark, well, it feels like I'm being asked to stop being me.

But then the horrible thought occurs (emotional roller coaster, remember?) what if being me is what's preventing me from having what I feel, at the bottom of my soul, I am ready for? I push that thought aside, and tell myself that there has to be other reasons, that it is normal for it to take awhile, that there are thousands of women who have gone through exactly what I am going through....in other words, I convince myself that it's OK to be me. But, despite all my pushing, all my convincing, the thought creeps back in, like a bad odor you can't get rid of that permeates your senses and leaves you feeling sick to your stomach.

I've even tried some reverse psychology. Stopped using ovulation predictor sticks, stopped taking temperatures, stopped trying so hard, thinking so much. I'm too clever for myself though and those tricks don't seem to have worked either. How do you not think? Not try? Not pray every month that this would be the month?

In my darker moments, I cry. A lot. And I have arguments in my head, coming up with reason after reason, all my fault of course, as to why I'm not pregnant. Some ridiculous, and I know they are ridiculous even as I list them in my head, and some serious. I question everything that I do and I worry what people think, convinced that I am disappointing all of them, convinced they are thinking that I am making the wrong choices. For a person like me, the thought of disappointing others is the worst possible thought. And I sink into bleak sadness.

In my brighter moments, I tell myself that if anyone was meant to be a mom it is me and I put my faith in the inexplicable, secure in the knowledge that the reason I'm not pregnant yet is a reason I don't understand. And that it will happen. Fortunately, this is where I spend most of my time, convinced that one day I'll be able to announce to the world that I have been blessed with a miracle.