Thursday, August 09, 2007

One of the things I love best about this blog, is that the writer is not afraid to be Honest. She writes from her heart, which, I think, takes courage and strength.

I, on the other hand, have always been afraid to be too open, too honest, on my blog. Times, they are a'changing. At least for this post.

Here's the thing: when I first created this blog, I had hoped that it would be the place where I would share NEWS. I mean Big News.
Of the baby variety.
I thought, or hoped, or dreamed, that this would be where I chronicaled my pregnancy, and the birth and growth of my children. I started the blog in advance of that actual happy event in the hopes that I would be a regular blogger so once said happy even occured, writing would be a part of daily activity.

As with many of life's events, things aren't going exactly as planned.

My husband and I have been "trying" (I'm starting to hate that word....who tries to have a baby? You don't try, you just have one!) for a year now. This August marks a year actually. Much like when I was 25, unmarried and unattached and people would ask, when are you getting married?, I am beginning to cringe and blink away tears when I hear the question, "so, when are you going to have a baby?"

I foolishly believed it would be easy. Ah, my naivete! My innocence! I thought, "How hard could this be?" After all, I have so many examples, on both sides of the family, of cousins who have managed to get pregnant without much difficulty at all.

Apparently, it's not as easy as one would think. And the emotional roller coaster of it all is...well, an emotional roller coaster.
I know what people say....what people think. I know that people think I am too busy. Maybe even too stressed. I know that people think I want it too badly, I'm trying too hard. Thinking about it too much.
I struggled with that. Thought about stopping everything. Even imagined what life would be like if all I did was teach. And I couldn't. I couldn't picture it or imagine it. See, I don't know how to not be me. I know that it is a personality flaw of mine that I say yes to everything and everyone. That I bend over backwards to make everyone around me happy, often sacrificing what I want, what I need, to do so. I know I need to work on finding balance in my life. I know these things. But I also know that I have always been busy, always been involved. Even the merest whisper of a suggestion that perhaps I stop, even the one off handed remark, well, it feels like I'm being asked to stop being me.
But then the horrible thought occurs (emotional roller coaster, remember?) what if being me is what's preventing me from having what I feel, at the bottom of my soul, I am ready for? I push that thought aside, and tell myself that there has to be other reasons, that it is normal for it to take awhile, that there are thousands of women who have gone through exactly what I am going other words, I convince myself that it's OK to be me. But, despite all my pushing, all my convincing, the thought creeps back in, like a bad odor you can't get rid of that permeates your senses and leaves you feeling sick to your stomach.
I've even tried some reverse psychology. Stopped using ovulation predictor sticks, stopped taking temperatures, stopped trying so hard, thinking so much. I'm too clever for myself though and those tricks don't seem to have worked either. How do you not think? Not try? Not pray every month that this would be the month?
In my darker moments, I cry. A lot. And I have arguments in my head, coming up with reason after reason, all my fault of course, as to why I'm not pregnant. Some ridiculous, and I know they are ridiculous even as I list them in my head, and some serious. I question everything that I do and I worry what people think, convinced that I am disappointing all of them, convinced they are thinking that I am making the wrong choices. For a person like me, the thought of disappointing others is the worst possible thought. And I sink into bleak sadness.
In my brighter moments, I tell myself that if anyone was meant to be a mom it is me and I put my faith in the inexplicable, secure in the knowledge that the reason I'm not pregnant yet is a reason I don't understand. And that it will happen. Fortunately, this is where I spend most of my time, convinced that one day I'll be able to announce to the world that I have been blessed with a miracle.


Kelli said...

Lisa, my dear wonderful friend...there are no words.

You amaze me and I feel truly blessed to know you.

Your brother used to always say to me "I don't know anyone who has a bigger heart than you, Kel - well, except Lisa - I suppose you two tie in that department." And I believe, (at least on this account) he was always right.

I absolutely believe a baby is out there for you and Russ. I also -for a reason unknown to us mere mortals - believe he or she hasn't found you two yet.

You know me, you know what I've been through in the past year... and what I am slowly trying to force myself to remember (heck, I've even been writing about it on my blog lately)...I think we BOTH know without hope we have nothing.

So don't loose hope, Li. And please don't ever stop just being you...because you are 1,000% perfect just the way you are and the world would be a darker place without you in it.

I love you to the brighest star in the sky and back and some more even after that.

Anonymous said...

It has taken a day after reading your blog for me to respond. These are words that you can't or won't say out loud to (us) -me. I am thankful to know how you are really doing. Although I have guessed that you were sad,worried and disappointed. You hide it well.
We will NEVER be disappointed in you!
I know first hand that agony of the monthly excitement of what if... only to be crushed a few days later, you wonder, can things get any lower??? can I keep this up??
I will also encourage you to have patience and hope.
Remember, we love you just the way you are! I wouldn't change a hair on your head if I could. Anyone who loves Lisa loves all of you... (even the hyperactive part!)
I know that it will happen for you, when.. is just the great unknown.
Sending you a milliondy billion hugs and kisses. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxo
Mom S

KTP said...

read this:

She chronicles her struggles so well, you might find a kindred spirit.


Ok, so everything that I try to write here comes out sounding cheesy and cliche, so I guess I'll just skip it and tell you that I'll be thinking about you! I have a really good girlfriend who is going through the same thing you are right now, and I can't find the right words to say to her either. I can say, however, that once again, you sound so much like me! In many different ways. It's quite comforting knowing that there's someone out there with the same values and outlook on life. From the other comments that I've read, I can tell that you are a very special, loved person. It will happen to you when it's meant to -- perhaps there's more you need to experience at work, or with friends, or with Russ, etc., before you're TRULY ready???? I don't know you so I don't want to speculate -- just trying to make light of your situation. It will happen for you! And when it does, I can't wait to read ALL about it in your blog!

In the famous words of Tupac Shakur (yes, I'm quoting Tupac):
"You got to keep yo head up! Ooooo child, things are gonna get easier! Oooo child, things will be brighter!"


jakel said...

Well, it's hard to follow Tupac, so I won't try to be eloquent; That sucks Li. I'm sorry that you are going through it, and very impressed about how open and honest you are being about it. No one is disappointed in you, only for you. And if there's any chance that moral support can help in any way, here's my bid.


ps. life is all about bouncing from what's in your soul to what's hanging on your curtain rods, so don't be afraid to mix and match on your blog too ;)

Tina said...

Well, since I was already crying from your more recent blot, I decided to scroll down and find this one, which I knew you had written but couldn't bring myself to read until I had more then a few seconds. Then, reading some of the comments, made me cry for a third time! First of all, and this is easier said then done... forget everyone else. This is about YOU. We are happy for you and sad with you but never, never disappointed at you. Second of all, find some support, be it other blogs (like KTP recommended) or other people going through the same thing. You are not alone and it isn't good to feel that way. And finally, just think how happy you will be when you finally hear someone say "Mommy" and mean you. One way or another that day will come, and all the frustrations and worry and fear will melt away instantaneously.

Now, I just wish I had a cool quote, but I can't top Tupac, either, so I'll just tell you again that i love you!

Tina said...

Can I also just say that I am the advice queen today? Man, I hope you like my advice, otherwise you're sitting there wishing you could slap me....