Thursday, August 07, 2008


I have been missing her a lot lately. Maybe it is because of Aliza's baptism. In fact, it probably is because of that.....but lately, I feel her absence deeply. My Mom cried in church during Aliza's baptism. I turned around and saw her and knew, instantly, why she was crying. I was having a hard time holding it together myself, and, in fact, spent some time crying later that night. I wished she was there with us. I wished she could see what a beautiful little angel Aliza looked like. How proud Russ looked. How happy we all were. I wish I could have just one picture of my Nonnie holding my daughter....

Maybe this is blasphemous but I believe, deep in my soul, that my Nonnie helped Aliza to come into this world. See, we had been trying for awhile. Thirteen months to be exact. And I prayed and I cried and I hoped and I wished. And finally, I started talking to Nonnie about the whole thing. I talk to Nonnie still. Is that odd? Somehow it doesn't feel odd to me. Anyway, it was when I started talking to Nonnie--asking her to bless me with a baby-- that I became pregnant. Not right away, but only a month or two after. One of my regrets, when Nonnie lay sick and dying, was that I couldn't tell her I was pregnant. I had some cousins that got pregnant during those last months of her life and they were able to share that news with her and I remember feeling envious. Wishing I could give that gift to her because I knew it would make her heart happy. However, I have no doubt that she is watching over me, and Aliza.

Aliza is sleeping in her crib for the first time tonight. We had been talking about doing this for awhile, wanting her to be comfortable with her crib before the alarm has to be set for that early morning wake up call. I knew it was coming....I wanted things to be set though; I wanted a fan for her room (she's used to the air conditioner after all) and I wanted something that played music and flashed lights for her crib (she's used to that too, although I think she'd do just fine without it). I think that maybe I was stalling the transition a little. Tonight we visited some neighbors and Aliza, after not napping all day, fell asleep in my arms while we were there. So we decided, rather spontaneously, to put her in her crib for the night. I did it. I put her in her sleep sack and lay her down in her crib.

And then I got a little sad. I'll admit, I love having her right next to me at night. I love waking up and leaning over her bassinet to be greeted by her happy baby smile in the morning. I love that I can check to make sure she is breathing in the middle of the night without having to get out of bed. I love that she is the last thing I see when I close my eyes and the first thing I look at in the morning. I know she is fine in her crib. In fact, I suspect, once I'm used to it, I will sleep much better with her in the next room rather than breathing and sighing and cooing and coughing right next to me. But I miss her being in her bassinet already. And somehow, this too, makes me think of my Nonnie. I just know that she'd have something to say that would be wise, and maybe just a bit funny, and would somehow make me feel better. Because she was, after all, my Nonnie.


Kelli said...

This post made me was so heartfelt and honest. I have no doubt Nonnie is watching over Aliza and all of you, all the time.

vanessa.e said...

So lovely, Li. Truly.

Love, Nessa

Dianna said...

Li, I wholeheartedly believe she is with you all and watching over you all everyday. I am feeling much the same for my grandmother this week as we gave Mason her last name as his middle name and as I have been watching my mother's relationship with Zach grow stronger all the time and have seen all she does has done to bond with and help us with Mason already. It just really makes me miss my grandma too! Know Nonnie is happy for you and will be Aliza's guardian angel always! :)